Curriculum with Costumes

With six days left in the school year, my daughter's second grade class got a chance to dress up like "pioneers" for school.

I've known about this event for two weeks but let's face it--I was counting on my daughter forgetting about it or just wearing a skirt and peasant top and being satisfied.

Besides, I had roller derby practice the night before and we've been trying to paint her bedroom for the last week. This doesn't leave much time for looking for pioneer costumes on Pinterest.

But fueled by last minute fear she would feel like a failure if I didn't dress it up a bit, I did what I always do: Kick Ass Procrastinated Project.

With not a single cup of coffee (NO TIME!) and less than an hour before school, I folded and sewed two yards of scrap fabric into a passable bonnet and tied the rest around her, apron-wise, with a scrap tie.

I'm not ashamed of the results, even if Liv does not look overly thrilled. Perhaps she is getting into character?

I could have just sent her to school inher brother's   Oregon Trail T-Shirt that says, "You have died of dysentery."

The Talk

My 10 year old son gets "The Talk" in school tomorrow. The class on Human Growth and Development starts with covering puberty (I HATE that word for some reason) and hygiene.

A few months ago, I recall my son saying something to the effect of "Puberty? Whew...I hope I don't catch THAT."

Oy.



I'm fairly sure it's come a long way since I saw this Disney animated gem as a fourth grade girl in 1980. I can certainly say with some pride that my kids are much more aware of anatomy, sex, and human development than I was at the same age. I try very hard to stay cool and matter-of-fact when discussing the topic or answering questions.

At least I know I won't be nervously perched on the side of the bathtub with a psychotic smile as my daughter sits on the toilet in shock saying, "I know this is exciting! Do you have any questions?" Because that was the ONLY single time my mother and I EVER discussed puberty or sex. At all.

This memory makes me nauseated and sweaty. I have sworn on a stack of Tampax boxes that my children will not go into this stage of life unprepared or handicapped with a nervously twee mother who can't say the word "penis" or "vagina" in front of her kids. They will be nervous or who knows--maybe the combination of a modern curriculum with professional, honest delivery will get them through. I just want them to be comfortable asking the questions before they decide their parents are lumpy, old creatures without a sex drive or any knowledge.

Is it too much to ask that I raise two relatively well adjusted, kind, honest, moral kids without a bunch of sexual hangups or emotional scars?

It's not, right?

Order Out of Chaos

I will look at pictures of children's rooms on Pinterest for hours.  None of them look like this

With a 10 year old with Aspergers and no executive functions, "Clean your room" doesn't work.

It requires some direction and organization. Or less Lego.

I Owe My Mother a Profuse Apology

I used to think my mom was scatter-brained and absent minded. Turns out, SHE JUST HAD KIDS.
After spending all day chasing down a replacement key for my minivan. The one that I supposedly tore the house looking for. The one I paid $40 and waited hours for a locksmith to cut.

A half an hour after the locksmith left, I was sorting and putting away laundry and happened to look under my bed. BAM! There's my key chain.
MOTHERFUCKER! I am my mother.

*FACEPALM*

The Keys to My Sanity

I will admit to being a hot mess as a parent. I don't do mornings very well and I usually end up herding my pair of kids into the minivan at least 10 minutes later than I want to for school drop off.

There even may be some yelling. Today, oddly, there was no yelling. In spite of the fact that I failed to locate my keys. That's right. The odyssey that began at 8:45 this morning is still ongoing.

My husband works out of town so he was my first text. Then I called him. He recalled moving my keys from the kitchen table but they were not in one of the "usual" spots.

After 15 minutes of random searching, and a request for odd search places on Facebook, I started a more methodical approach.

Emptied Purse
Searched all jacket pockets (Found $30 YAY!)
Emptied "junk" drawer
Sorted and searched all dirty laundry
Searched garbage can (Washed coffee grounds-covered hands)
Searched van (under seats, under floor mats)
Emptied roller derby gear bags (I had a roller derby bout on Saturday)
Checked dog food bin, refrigerator, freezer, pantry, dryer, washer, and bathrooms

My dear friend, Amber, called me to see if I could go to lunch. She also had a rough morning. So she came, we took the kids to school together and she drove me to a dealership to try to get another key made. Dealer said they had my VIN on file and cut me another key, so Amber and I went to drink margaritas lunch.
Tried key after lunch. They used the VIN from my OLD car, not my 2006 Mom-Mobile minivan.

I called AAA and they are sending a tow truck to tow my van to the dealership, where they can reprogram a new key.

Things that are invaluable to a mom:
AAA Card
A friend that will go get a margarita in the middle of the day

Does the internet really need another Mlogger (Mommy Blogger)?

In short, probably not. But since I obviously have stuff to say, OK, A LOT to say about my role in life as a parent, in my community, in my children's lives, in my house, and on this planet, which I am joyfully helping to populate with potential future leaders (or fry cooks), I'm doing it. So read it. Don't read it. Swear words will be tossed around. I may not always sound like a good parent. Not many fucks will be given on that account.